...And Beyond

With 2014 fast approaching, it's time to make new plans for the new year. Recently I've been kinda thinking that maybe it's better to start resolutions in the middle of January, like the time everyone else quits theirs. Did you know that 50% of Americans give up their goals within the first month? And 75% within three months? Those are pretty horrible and I'm hoping to be part of the few who keep with it. I mean, I like the idea of starting with the new year because it means fresh starts and fresh goals. But at the same time, if it doesn't work out, as it's bound to become bothersome at some point, my gut reaction is pretty much oh well, guess I'll try again next year. And that gets me nowhere because if I'm not attempting to try again even if only to get a day farther than the last try, I am probably going to give up in the same amount of time and then the goal is never reached. In fact, most of my reached goals like reading the Bible, were made not at the beginning of the year, but during school. I mean, why not make new month resolutions? It seems more practical. However, I'm not that practical and I love making lists, so I can't resist making one to at least think about and perhaps I won't begin it until February, who knows.

I think my first three all go together and will in turn help the rest because I should be saving more time. I would like to have better time management, work harder, and yet breath more. My thinking in this is that if I work harder to finish things in a timely manner I shouldn't waste hours on one subject, and then I should have more time to relax or pray or whatever without feeling guilty for not doing something else. With some of the extra time I really need to get into a schedule of practicing my instruments every day. The second half of characteristics I am working toward is simply being more real, more open. I don't think this will be a goal I can simply throw out at the end of 2014, but will probably struggle with all my life, not only because of experiences, but because it's a natural part of me that I'll always fight with. Something to help me with this would definitely be to pray more, and of course I'll be navigating my way through the Bible again, though I had a head start on that because I finished and started over again like in October. 

So those were all the ones relating to my character, these next one's are more like wishes, and hopes, just for my pleasure. There's a few that will need all year to achieve, and some just for over the summer. Firstly, I would love to get to a point in my Spanish learning where I can understand at least the gist of most everything and be able to speak at least a little. My first step in this would be to complete Duolingo. My two goals relating to physical training would be the one handed pull-up and the splits (for real this time). The splits have probably been on my list for the last four years and the longest I've gone is three months. They are not only cool looking to be able to do,  but being flexible prevents injuries as well. Then the one handed pull-up is somewhat of a continuation from last year, again simply because I think it's cool, not that I use those muscles for anything else at all. I will continue my regular routine this month just so I can do thirteen regular pull-ups and then there is this trick with a towel that I will change the level on every month until I can do one. The only other one on my list that will take the entire year is my reading challenge on Goodreads. I barely got my forty books last year and this time I upped it by five so we'll see how that goes.

Then over the summer, I'll probably pick up some new lists here and there of things I want to do, but one of them is getting some animal volunteer work. As I've mentioned before I would like to train dolphins at some point as a side job and one of the requirements I can easily start on now is simply working with animals. I am hoping to do it with the cat clinic by me. This next one isn't necessarily a goal because it's not something I'm just dying to get off my list, but perhaps I can take some steps that will someday allow me to travel someday. I would love to go to Germany to become fluent, also to Costa Rica with my sister. Then of course something I've been drooling over for years....to be able to attend Gail Carson Levine's writing workshop. Anyone near Brewster out there?

That's basically my plans for this year. Not that the Lord won't have his own plans swirling around, but I find it nice to be prepared to grow in certain areas and then the years don't feel like such a waste.

Looking Back...

So at this time of the year, I like to think about what I've accomplished and try to think about how I can improve. Gah, no I don't. That's a school assignment, but it makes for a good post, and since it's on my mind anyway, remember I write these for myself to sort out my thoughts. I'd planned about three different things to post on, but if you've checked my blog in the last three weeks, I'm behind and most everything has already occurred. I'm going to pretend like it hasn't however, and split this up into three smaller parts so the other two aren't blank. This will be the one about 2013.

Looking behind me, for any given year, I tend to be disappointed by what I should have done rather than content in what I've accomplished. It's overwhelming to think how much yet how little happened. At the moment it occurs, it feels like one of the biggest events of my life. Practicing non stop for a check up, staying up super late to do homework, not getting to go on a retreat. These all seem like pretty pivotal points in our current week, but for the most part they turn out later to seem no more than a couple stressful hours that might have been better spent cuddling with kitties or helping someone else. I don't know, that's just how it goes for me. So that's why I'm first going to focus on what I did accomplish.

I didn't exactly conscientiously decide on that many goals, but I know that two of them were finish reading though the whole Bible, and be able to do twelve pull-ups. I am very proud to say that I reached both of those, if only barely. The Bible one started back in the summer, it was the second time I got fired up about reading it consistently and I actually stuck with it. The first time was in middle school when there was a prize for whoever did the 90 day plan got a prize. That's right, the goal was to read through the entire Bible in only three months. There's nothing like a good contest to get me excited. I think I tried it three times in all. At least I didn't completely give up, yet I always lost my speed when I finished the old testament and by that time it doesn't look as worth it anymore. This was not a good goal in any case, I should not have wanted to read for personal gain but simply out of thirst for its knowledge. I don't think that I learned much at that rate. Well, not the second two tries. The first one I was doing really good, keeping a notebook and writing a page or so worth of things I learned, questions, prayers, and whatever else. That was worth it, but I tend to lose hope when I miss so much as one day and then I give up. So this summer, I've been told so often that on breaks people get spiritually lazy, but for me it was the opposite. It gave me a purpose and by creating my own schedule, I was more motivated. I made a list of how much I needed to read of certain books every day to finish by certain dates and without feeling horrible if I skipped but also not allowing myself to be extremely inconsistent, I was able to feel good about it. It was also a better aim too I think, without feeling obligated, at least not always, but truly looking forward to it every day. One last thing, I might have mentioned it a couple months ago, but I had a special spot. I really like heights, it makes me feel closer to God and I can be somewhat alone. So I read high up in a tree. I could sing if I liked or pray aloud if I liked, and no one bothered me. It was great. The last obstacle which I overcame in this was that the very last part of my plan went into the first month or so of the school year, I had foreseen this and hoped it wouldn't completely bomb my time set aside and it didn't. In fact it was quite a good time to do it because the end was in sight to keep me going no matter what. I kept time aside for it and finished right on time and it was the best feeling.

The other goal, in its own way just as ambitious, though not as useful, was the twelve pull-ups. In fact, that was just for my own sake to prove I could do it. And, I must admit, also to show off. I hadn't realized how close I was until we got into November. Most of the time I know deep down that things will get done, but not in a timely manner. I had no idea that I would truly be able to do it without that much work. Here's how it happened. My brother got a bar that hangs on the door frame for Christmas 2012. I could do between two and three, perhaps four at my max. This was disappointing seeing as that was about the same I could do in fifth grade and I'd done a lot of swimming since. So I decided to add on one pull-up for each month. So one every day in January, two in February, and so on all the way to twelve in December. I was pretty good in the beginning. Especially in January it gave me great joy to do one pull-up and feel like I'd completed a goal for the day. Those first months were my best but as you can imaging, with each month, I got a little worse about missing days until November, I think I only did about a scattered week's worth. Yet I still made it! Even if I only did it twice in December, I can now say that I could, at one point do twelve successive pull-ups.

One failed goal that wasn't a real proposed one but just something that's been sitting in the back of my mind, was being able to do the splits. I think that's been a goal of mine for over four years, you'll have to see if it makes it on this year's list. No matter what, the good comes with the bad, and sometimes the bad appears significantly greater. We're supposed to take those bad things, at least the ones relating to character, and try to fix them. But that will come next week.

Beyond goals, if I were to pick a major event of the year, it would be going back to Greenhouse! I can't thank the Lord enough for convincing the teachers for the first time in forever to allow a Rhetoric student join at the end of the first semester. And then the day! I would probably have picked Thursday because I know practically everyone that goes on it, but clearly God had other plans and it's worked out wonderfully. Tuesday was the only day that had room and it must have been meant to be because that's the day I went on way back when and now I'm here again and I couldn't be more pleased with the way I was welcomed. And I am so so happy to have one of the same teachers I had when I left. He even was gone for a while as well but he's back and just as awesome as ever =P Of course the other triumph would be officially closing the court case, but the way it dragged on forever, it kinda felt part of life and not much to worry about. However, I will not be sad to see it go. Other little things might be just like getting lots of little part time jobs, winning NaNoWriMo, visiting my niece, and just enjoying the small things of life. I don't know if I believe in best years, either way this wouldn't be it, but it wasn't a horrible one and that's what counts.

Advocate or Assailant?

There's a fine line between what you might call helping someone but they'd call hurting. A point where too much help turns into harm. What's the distinguishing factor? I can't answer it with certainty, but I can share my experience of it with a certain someone who's motto is like that song--Cruel to be Kind.

Father always insisted that he was driven by love. Love for me apparently made him have all my best interests at heart because from the divorce onward, I was not included in any decisions concerning me. I was his little robot to do whatever he liked with, his puppet. He'd convinced himself that his motives were purely love and it blinded him.When I'd try and explain to him that his actions clearly were not showing love, he got annoyed and deflected it, saying things like did your mother tell you that? His actions simply did not convey his supposed love. It kinda made me think well if that's what love is, I really wish you didn't love me.

In school if there is nothing else I learned, there was a lot on bullies. A lot on how parents often times cause more harm than help when they assist their child too much. There's a point where if they go any further, they're living the child's life, not letting them take in experiences themselves and learning from the bad. It's over-protection and it's not healthy. Often that happens when the parent misses out on their own childhood and so forces the lifestyle they wished they'd had on their kids.

I don't know much about his childhood so I can't say his motives with certainty, but he seems to have low confidence. Always fishing around for support from others, his self image is bad. I think he wanted involvement and a feeling of accomplishment. His efforts would have been better spent elsewhere. Independent and strong willed from a young age, I had little need nor want of his sudden insistence to help me and become a part of my life. When I denied him that satisfaction, that's when the love became an issue. He believed so strongly that he was correct that he decided if anyone said something that challenged what he believed, they had a mental illness. It stung, especially after years of ignorance to everything I did, there was something wrong with me because I no longer respected him.

"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because I love you."
"Then stop loving me. It hurts so much, it's killing me. If you loved me, you'd let go."
"I can't, I love you too much."
"That's like saying, 'come, let me chain you and throw you to the jail, it's for the best, I love you, be happy about it.' It's impossible. That's a binding love, one I can not return. It would take all of me just to pretend."
"And that's why I can't stop. If a child asks for something dangerous, the parent isn't going to give it to them just because they want it because they love them."
"That's completely beside the point, I'm not asking to do anything dangerous at all."
"No matter what you think, I do it because I love you. I know you don't like to hear it, but someday you'll understand."

Some form of this hideous conversation popped up nearly every day. It sure crushed my idea of love. It would have been kinder for him to ignore me. There were two things that could be done. He could begin to look at himself instead of denying all blame, or I could try to appease him without too much toll on myself. Recently, I've become resigned to the fact that whatever happens, it will have to be me. I have figured out where I must learn to stand in these seemingly endless visits with father. It will be a dismal Christmas indeed if I cannot learn to cope with him. I used to think that there were two options. I either loved him as was always encouraged, or the opposite. But those are two extremes so the new aim is nothingness. I would be completely content to have absolutely nothing trigger at the sight or thought of him. I simply cannot love him, yet it is forbidden that I hate. Still, I feel like I must always be leaning in one direction or the other. But wait, I thought, there's a middle! Neither love nor outright dislike can be penalized. It's vital that I at least be able to balance the two and in the long term, he will no longer hurt nor help me.

Still, if he ever became open to try something else, all it would take is a little doubt at his own stubbornness. I can always hope. Learn to let go, holding on tightly with a steel grip will only clench the chains. You insist it's love, but it can't be love for me, if it were, you'd control it because you'd see the hurt it's caused me. Love doesn't kill. It isn't forced or stubborn. Your so called love is crushing and overbearing. Love is unconditional, if you want examples, there's a fair few in the Bible.

On a last note, my last court imposed appointment with the shrink and father was yesterday. It was painful and definitely did more damage than help. It only assured them of the psycho problems I was trying to disprove and made me vulnerable to the one person in the world I would most want to hide from. Those visits were some of the longest minutes in my life. I could tell you that there's five windows in the office, four in front, one on the left, all with the shutters pulled three fourths of the way down. I could tell you that his desk is on the left with pictures of his children on it and the no doubt symbolic Nautilus shell on the edge that represents the whole facility. Then there's the ugly plant hanging from the ceiling and the spiky one on the ground. I could tell you how there's three cushions on the victim couch and two elegant, hard looking chairs facing it. On the left is the bookcase, filled with unread reference shrink books no doubt. And don't forget the table in the center, that loathed table with the timepiece in the center that I would always stare at, willing it to go faster. And how I could hear in those year long silences, the way the two clocks in the room were just a tick off from each other, causing an unsettling syncopated rhythm. I could tell you how there's forty eight squares on the shelf beneath the table with the clock. And the lamp behind the clock with the five spirals circling the neck of it. Also the fact that it was always on when there was no need, causing me to burn from the effort of not asking him to turn it off. All this and more, I could tell you from barely a glance around, but nothing useful. It must be my least favorite room in the world. Honestly. Think twice before going to a shrink, try resolving whatever it is among yourselves. I found that my church, friends, and kitties were ten times more helpful, and 100% cheaper.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud. 5 Or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

And On and On it Goes

I'm back, sorry about those pitiful posts the last two weeks. November flew by so quickly but here I am again, with good news!! After two years of wanting to be a part of NaNoWriMo, including the winning, I finally managed it! No, it wasn't a breeze as I'd expected, but it was so rewarding. As you all know, it was on my mind all November, every time I was on the computer not working on it. So I really wanted to share the rocky journey, to be an encouragement that it is always too early to give up. Here's how my month went.

So about two years I heard about NaNoWriMo and I've been aching to try it ever since. It was just the kind of motivation I needed. Every other story I'd ever begun lasted no more than a few pages at most and then I'd give up. Well for the next two years, I signed up and attempted for maybe a week or so, but didn't get much past that. The first time, I blamed it on not having a computer at my house. The second, it was because I was too busy what with being at school eight hours a day and such. But this November, I knew it was my chance and I couldn't pass it by. I'd so graciously been released from public school not two months earlier, and now had time on my side, I thought it would be easy. Everything was perfectly set up for me to follow my dreams of how fun it would be.

I started out very excited, with no idea whatsoever for a plot or where I would go with it. Of course I'd tossed some possibilities around, played with a few, but I really wanted to have a fresh, clean slate to start on, because when I've been forming things in my head for a long time, I tend to use up all my energy at the beginning getting out all the fully formed details. Then I run out of steam and the story dies. I'd convinced my brother to join the adult website and so he and I were both so pumped about it. He didn't last three days. I wonder if that's part of it. Though I barely tried those first years, I think the failure strengthened me to really give my best this time through. Because three is a magic number.

After the first few days, I was already falling behind. I'd already begun thinking, "I don't think I can do this, I'll just have to try again next year," when my brother was like "No, you have to do this!" And it strengthened my resolution. I saw how he'd done the "next year" drop out method, but he still wanted me to do it. It made me decide exactly how much I wanted this and got me writing again. At least for a few days...of course life wouldn't slow down to accommodate my writing time, I had to find time along with everything else and I soon fell behind again. Even when I had time, I wasted it. I kept putting it off, convinced that I would do it later when I had more ideas. Most days I wrote nothing at all, or if I did, it was very little. Now and again I would have a sudden flash of what was going to happen and then I'd write like crazy, almost catching up on that maddeningly satisfying graph. They were glimpses though, and never lasted long. I was gradually falling behind, also increasing my 'number of words needed to finish on time' very slowly.

It was the realization that we would be gone the last week of November that spurred me into action. It's that problem again with time where if you have too much of it you slack. Before finally urging me into a mad gallop, I stupidly waited those remaining days, absorbing that there was no way I could write in the car and that it would put me so behind that I had failed once again. It was sad to think that I would have to wait all the way 'til next year again. Or so I thought. Then out of nowhere everyone seemed to remember that I was on a deadline and encouraged me not to give up. We stopped at my sister's place for the midpoint of our journey, and though I was tired and not in much a mood to write, I did it anyway.

Of course even then I still didn't think I'd make it. I didn't even know if my grandma's house had internet and even if she did, I wasn't even half way finished. Yet that week I was again raised high by everyone's interest and the way they made it important. The computer was new and the internet would suffice to support my simple Google document that I was working through. But it wasn't until three days from the end that I realized if I really put my mind to it, it was completely possible to win, but only just. The next morning most everyone left for an all day visit with my opa. I didn't want to go and they let me stay to write. So I had a marathon. I wrote all day with breaks at 500-1000 word intervals. It was strangely entertaining. At that point my focus wasn't on the content so much, I had no room to be picky if I was going for the words. I wrote whatever popped into my head, I wrote only scenes that interested me, skipping around like crazy at the end. Upon reaching my goal on the last day possible, I felt very accomplished and very worn out.

The product was 80 something pages of story that I might never use, or perhaps I will. I haven't even read through it all yet, but I know without doing so that what I have right now is a bunch of disconnected scenes that I will have a job trying to sew together. The beginning isn't even the same story. Since over half was written in just a few days, I can see when I started to get somewhere with any of it. I didn't understand my characters at all in the beginning. Yet it doesn't matter. That was more than I've written ever before and it's taught my three things. Perseverance is rewarding. I truly do enjoy writing, even a lot of it. And it takes time and experimenting to get anywhere in a story. It's not like what I ended up with is a final copy. Even though I think I might change the whole goal of it, that's what first drafts are for. It showed me what I was looking for and gave me a place to begin and it was incredible. There's nothing more rewarding to me than reaching goals. After all that uncertainty about whether or not I'd even finish, I can say that I was successful and enjoy six months to edit, come up with an ending, and then get free printed copies. How cool is that?

And, to all my German readers out there, Happy Saint Nicholas Day!

Here's the verse as promised, check back on last week as well because I added a good Thanksgiving one.
Romans 5:3-4
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.