The Sick, Dead, and Dying

This is a post which I have adapted/ added to which I never completed last summer after visiting my Opa. It has some bits which aren't true to timing, but I've chosen to leave them. The original title was Realities...you'll see why.

Reality number one, summer is over.
Reality number two, school is starting.
Reality number three, all good things on earth must come to an end.
Reality number four, this post is late.

The Sick
My house, as you might know from last week, has become a hospital for sick cats. Fred and George decided to get sick within a few days of each other. Now they are both home and steadily recovering. George you might never have known was sick. Differences as a result of this drama include diet changes, and for now at least, a pill. Each cat has successfully claimed their own personal food needs. So now Lily eats with George downstairs, Lily eats the boring dry food and George gets spoiled with a scoop of prescribed dry and a little wet. Meanwhile upstairs Fred is scarfing down chicken. The twins are on the same medication for swollen bowls and they are both due for a follow up appointment sometime in the next week or two. The ordeal has reminded me how much we take health for granted. Life is so temporary. A seemingly healthy cat one day might be dying the next. I'd like to note that the sick stage is hardest for me. I don't like others to be in pain. The uncertainty of of whether it is goodbye or if a cure is possible is something that haunts me.

The Dead
I don't often contemplate death even knowing it could happen at any minute. Lately however, with three Old relatives, one of whom might not be far off, I've had to. I have been to more funerals in my life than weddings. Two of those I supplied the music for. Four of them were for relatives. Causes have been old age ailments, cancer, and suicide. Just this week I attended a service for Elizabeth Elliot, an incredible woman whose husband and his group of friends were killed by a tribe they were bringing the gospel to. Elizabeth and her daughter then lived with that very same tribe for many years afterword. This particular service was good. Many friends, and relatives spoke of their memories. Joni Eareckson Tada was the big speaker which I didn't know until I was there. In general, I don't know what I think about funerals and burials. Perhaps it seems as if too much emphasis is put into holding on to those passed. I mentioned that I handle sickness worse than death, at least I think I do. At funerals, and I am including those for whom I was directly related, I cannot cry. Perhaps I am cold and unfeeling but I can recall sitting in services among other mourners who were weeping their eyes out and I could not summon a tear. Does this make me a horrible person? You could excuse me for being young at the time, but I do not think that children feel things any less strongly than adults. This was all merely an aside, I am not going to linger on the subject.

The Dying
I have been off in the far flung corners of the states, soaking up the last bit of freedom and sunshine. Along with that, I have been visiting with the Old, and with that came the awful realisation that no matter how great you live your life, we will nearly all leave this world as pitiful and clueless as we came into it. Needing help possibly even more. So small, forgetful, and broken. The Old are simply little wisps, hovering around, worrying about what they cannot control and wondering what they are forgetting.

I am reminded of a quote by T.S. Elliot which says,
"Death has a hundred hands and walks by a thousand ways."*

I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it sounds creepy and expresses how death is unavoidable. Another quote goes,
"A man may walk with a lamp at night, and yet drown in a ditch."

No matter if you follow the most regimented workout schedule and eat super healthy. No matter if you work from home and never drive a car. No matter if you spend your entire life holed up in an empty room and have your food delivered to you through a cat door, death will find you. It's like Sleeping Beauty who, threatened with the curse of 100 years of sleep if pricked by a spindle, took precautions to banish every sharp object from the kingdom. Of course, one little slipup is what got her in the end. But who would want to live with that kind of fear and never take risks? It's like that proverb about the fool who says he won't go outside because there might be a lion in the road. Well you might also have a heart attack. Or be bitten by a disease carrying insect. The what-ifs are endless.

I just finished reading a book by Madeleine L'Engle called Summer of The Great-Grandmother. It was very good and I'd recommend it to anyone because at some point almost every person has or will have to deal with an aging parent. It helped me know how to handle my grandma when she asks who I am, or when she points at the tv commercial and says something big is going to happen. Or asks where I live for the 100th time. She can't help it. Doesn't know she's doing anything out of the ordinary. It scares me though, when I can't get myself to laugh it off. Will mother be like that? Will I?

"We have gone on living,
Living and partly living."

Being Old just doesn't seem like there is much life left enough to live. A shriveled shell which is susceptible to viruses, cuts, and diseases. They must be careful whatever they do. Their schedules involve menial tasks which they spend hours on when in reality it should take minutes. When they go places they must hurry not to be late and then hurry home so they can do nothing.

"I am not in danger: only near to death."

I would like to point out that dying isn't something God designed when he created the world. It came as a result of sin. Still, if you know where you're going, it isn't something to fear because glory is on the other side. As Revelation 21:4 puts it,
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."

Okay, enough on that. I'll end by writing briefly about something we don't usually associate with death: babies. They signify more like new life, right? So a day or so after I got home from the trip, I got a call asking if I could watch a 14 week old baby while the granny was away. This is new...and only a month after being asked about watching an almost newborn! That's the third one this year. Who decided I would be good with babies? I agreed, and have become officially impressed and empathetic for mamas with little babies. I babysat this kid for ten days, 8 and a half hours per day. That felt like a looong time. I think a full time job is something like 40 hours a week. I was doing 42 and a half. But I can't imagine what 24 hours seven days a week would be like. Add on a couple more young children who can crawl and walk? Ahhhhh! I'm pretty sure I am going to be having nightmares about crying babies for at least a week.

I'm going to stop now because, and here's a last quote,
"Human kind cannot bear very much reality."

*all quotes from today's post unless otherwise noted are from Murder in the Cathedral by T.S. Elliot

Home Sweet Home

I am probably done with my travels for the summer, the big journeys anyhow. I got my dose of summer, even if it's not going to visit me. However, getting back home again I had a lot of exciting things to look forward to. A couple include: no air conditioning, no internet, no car, no hot water, a disgusting kitchen, and sick cats. I said it was exciting.

Yeah, so maybe getting home wasn't a thrill. The air conditioning I can deal with, the internet is closer than it might have been, and the car has been out for months. But the broken water heater? Not fun. Can't even take showers because it's got a dial instead of separate handles for hot and cold which makes the spigot not work at all. Guessed it yet? This means cold baths. Not just cold as in the refreshing showers you might challenge yourself to take once in a while when it's hot. No, this is ice cold water. Lake Michigan cold. Makes your brain freeze every time you go under. It's been a couple weeks now but thankfully a hot water isn't in the same league as a car that the P.U. thinks we can do without.

Also when we got home the kitchen was nasty. What's new? Flies everywhere, and odors of rot and who knows what else. I could barely feed the cats it was so gross. The cats. I left knowing Fred was lighter than he had been before, but I didn't think I'd come home to a skeleton. Not dead, no, but ravaged. I could feel his spine and see his hollow sides. The little meow he had regained was completely gone. Then there was the multiple piles of urp. We waited another day, realized he was not getting any better, and brought him in Wednesday to get weighed. He had lost nearly 3 and a half pounds. What is that for a cat? A quarter or a third of his total body weight? Things weren't looking good. The doctor was booked until Tuesday. Fred couldn't wait that long. We brought him home and hoped for a cancelation. 

On Thursday, it came. The phone rang and I picked it up. It was the clinic saying they could take him at 5:00. I wasn't sure how I'd get him there, but he needed the appointment so I said I'd take it.

Two hours later, I came to the conclusion that I would be walking Fred the half mile to the clinic. So I packed him into the pet taxi, and off we went, slowly but surely. 20 long minutes later, with very sore arms, we arrived with time to spare. As we sat in the waiting room, I felt like someone waiting to hear if their best friend has cancer. I let Fred out and he curled up behind my back and began purring. When the nurse came in Freddy continued purring through the exam. She told him he was a sweet cat and he liked that. Then the Dr. came for his part, and said that losing so much weight was bad. I knew that. Then he felt around Fred's belly and said that his artery walls were thickened. That was the most likely reason Fred wasn't able to keep his food down.

He also voiced the suspicion that there could be fluids that shouldn't be there, which, he didn't say directly, but probably meant eminent death. That was a scary thought. But after taking Fred back and running a quick test, he said there was nothing there. What they'd do then would be take some blood so they could run a panel and also test for Leukemia. I could pick one or the other or both. I didn't know what to do. I got some numbers of how much it would cost and called my sister. After consulting, we went ahead and told them to run both tests. He said the results would come in the morning. I began the trek home and it started to rain. I draped my raincoat over Fred's carrier so he wouldn't get wet and arrived home sore, wet, and worried.

Friday morning I took the call and the Dr. explained all Fred's levels of health. The gist was that Fred did not have leukemia, but a case of severely enflamed bowels. All I had to do was pick up some antiinflammatory pills, follow the dosage, and he should be fine. I picked them up ready to begin that night. Relief.

Then, Monday night, I came home from rehearsal to find George outside lying on the ground, face in a bowl of water, lying completely still as if dead. Not George! I thought. The dear p.u. said I'd have a dead cat if I didn't do anything about it. I nearly lost my wits. I picked him up and brought him in. He was cold. More than normal. So I frantically began thinking of a friend who would still be awake and whose car we could take to get George to the emergency care. I found someone, and after much anxiety trying to find the clinic, got him in. Waiting. I was a complete mess by this time, and was unhelpfully thinking
"No, Fred dies first! George loses an ear, but Fred dies." I guess that shows where my heart is. What a jerk I am. After a minute with the nurse, she said his temperature was low and took him to the back. I knew that was a bad sign. Waiting. 

Then the Dr. came in and explained very bluntly how George had a urinary tract infection, his pee was blocked which was fatal, and how he was near exploding point. It is what Fred had last year, and is apparently the most common emergency they see in male cats.

Dr. then said what the procedure was, how some die in the process, how Georgie's kidneys might be damaged, all the things that could go wrong, whether or not we wanted George to be given CPR if his heart should stop. I suppose he mentioned at some point that the procedure had a high success rate, but mainly I heard that George was about to die because of his elevated levels. Of course we gave the okay and after a short visit, George was taken behind closed doors. Before he went, I whispered in his ear "hang in there George." Waiting. About 1:00 a.m. they were finished with the chancy part. He'd made it, peed, and we could think about his future. He was transferred to our local clinic in the morning. Waiting.

George has been there since Tuesday now. They are keeping him while he recovers. He has a catheter still so they can see when his pee isn't bloody, an IV connected by a tiger bandage to his paw for hydration so they can keep him cleaned out, and a cone collar so he doesn't mess any of it up. I visited him on Wednesday, Thursday, and today. My designated driver was along as well, and though I know I'm being irrational, was being slightly annoying because I don't agree with people only petting and enjoying a cat when they're sick. 

Anyhow, George is doing well and they said he can come home tomorrow. He'd have been back today except he had another bout of red and they wanted that monitored. George has everyone there loving him, of course. Who can help themselves from falling for a drugged kitty who is already overly friendly? One of the nurses called him a dork. It's not just me, he's special. He seems to be enjoying himself though. They say he likes all the flavours of food so far, and always wants belly rubs. I pick him up in the morning.

I'm still worried about Fred. I thought he'd gained weight because he wasn't throwing up, but now I'm not so sure. I think we'll bring him in for a weight check tomorrow as well. I wish these dear twins could just be cute as always and not cause all kinds of heart wrenching trouble. God is definitely testing my trust and how I view my pets. I always thought of Fred as a kind of younger brother because he is so annoying. He meows, he eats icky food, he smells, he catches gross animals and eats them, and he is always sticking his wet nose at me. But like a younger brother, however much I sometimes am angry with him, I don't want him to die. I would miss that cracked meow, cuddly head, motorcycle purr, and long nose. He's the only semi normal cat we have. And what would George do without his brother?

I already have a post picked for next week, the topic in any case. Tune in if you're in need of some more depression in your life. I'm off to do some more waiting.

Across The Lands

Now I wouldn't call myself much of a traveler because I've never been out of the country before, but within the last few days I have been across about six or seven states ending in one I've never been to before. My mode of transportation was most interesting and I have become very grateful for the comfort and privacy of the Hogwarts Express. It was not all bad though, mainly the loading. This particular train did not check bags apparently, and not knowing that until we got there, my traveling partner brought the amount of baggage she would have if there had been check bags we didn't have to carry. So there was me with my two backpacks and viola, and then her with four backpacks, two big boxes full of books, a sleeping bag, a picnic basket, and a tricycle. As well as anything I've forgotten. To her credit, most of the stuff was not for her, but even so. It was a nightmare getting it all on board and involved frantic trips inching bags down the halls and finally onto the train. By the time I got in my seat, I was already sick. Thankfully it didn't last long, I think it was probably more stress than anything else. That mixed with embarrassment.

So now we come to the actual ride. The first day I was too tired to do much except visit the viewing car. Not having much else to do I decided I was tired enough to sleep. That was a mistake. Perhaps anywhere else I would have been, but the seats have the misleading look of being somewhat comfortable. Let me tell you, they're not. At first, maybe. There's plenty leg room and the seats tilt back at three different angles, but after hours of sitting, ouch! And when it comes to sleeping, well, let's just say that even spending the previous night awake and exhausting yourself getting on is not enough to allow you to sleep. No matter how many positions I tried, I simply could not get comfortable. I was cold and cramped all night with three broken hours of sleep at most.

The Second day I spent mainly in the viewing car reading. A few times I was allowed off at stops to breath fresh air and use real bathrooms. I guess I should explain what train bathrooms are like. It's similar to walking into a locker, except it's slightly bigger on the inside. The foot room is equivalent though. There is approximately one foot of floor space and then the toilet, and a sink. Very efficient. There are also various slots and holes for garbage, tissues, toilet paper, etc. Don't think too hard about it and you're fine. I do have a preference though. The other thing was the delays. There were a ton! I guess freights have the right of way on these tracks, so it was not irregular to be at a standstill for an hour until it passed. One time we had to wait for three freights before moving again.

The scenery didn't improve until the third day. After a better sleep, I woke to the orange of sunrise all around long, outstretching miles of flat plain. It really was beautiful. And later when I had really woken, I saw a type of land I've never seen before. It was a rough terrain covered in little bushes, cacti, rocks, and later on, hills. Everything was much the same from then on, but having never seen it before, it was fascinating to look at. No place that I've ever lived has there been miles and miles of empty land, untouched by farmers or villages or smog factories. To be sure, the land isn't good for those things anyway, but I still find it rare.

Thanksgiving itself was nice. I like a change of pace when I can get it. Also I haven't had such real food in a long while. It was all my favourite  things from rolls to desserts. I didn't feel like I had to stuff myself sick. Oh and I must have set some kind of record. I have been connected to the internet for four whole days! Now I've probably got everyone thinking I'm a typical screen addicted teenager, but whatever. I watched the whole season of sytycd that I missed and, more importantly, wrote this blog post. I hope it's not too long before the next one. Don't forget to give thanks this week. Thankfulness isn't simply a state of mind to aim for once a year, but every minute of every day.

Wizarding Birthday

I have some advice for all my readers that I hope will stick to you throughout your lives. When you keep putting things off, piles form and it doesn't get done. As a result I have missed a number of important blog posts! As much as I wish I could, I am not in a position where I can turn each idea into the separate topic it was supposed to be, so this is going to be a crash course of the last month or so since starting school. I'd also like to reassure anyone who feels like they might be losing their mind that no, my posts aren't usually out on Friday, but they're supposed to be, so I make them say that. Most of the time they should be timeline accurate however even when I've moved on into the next week.

So let's rewind a bit. I auditioned for the college orchestra on....I can't remember. One thing I learned is that no matter how much I've practiced, I always feel as if I should have done more. By God's mighty hand I made it in and now am going to two hour rehearsals three times a week plus concerts. I sure didn't know what I was getting myself into or I'd have been a nervous wreck about time. I have adjusted to it however and it has been rewarding in many ways.

On Sunday I became legal in the wizarding world. How did that happen!? I don't feel any younger for sure but that sounds so much older to me than last year. I sure don't look it. In fact I was wandering around Diagon Alley and went into one of the children's robe shops and found a black sweater that looked and fit very nicely...it was a 10/12. Anyhow, other than dawdling and pretending I had no homework, I took my apparition test and passed!! I think I nearly splinched because I was very tired afterwards, but it was exhilarating. Not that I can apparate around muggles, but it is an accomplishment all the same. Last year wasn't a good one, so it shouldn't be too hard making this one better.

I was going to add to my list of interesting things I've done that three years ago, if I'm remembering right, I spent the night before my birthday sleeping at the airport. Interesting experience...I got donuts for breakfast though so it was all good.

All for now.

Owl Post

I am writing this because none of my other posts are ready. So this is about last week. Firstly I'd like to mention that you know it's cold outside when the air conditioned library is warmer than the outside. That's just sad. It was in the 70s all last week which was unfortunately the same week as all these water trips were planned. I first went with my friend and youth group to the dunes. It was cloudy, windy, and cold. I had a good time though.

Two days later my class decided to go to the water park. Hmm...not such a great idea. Everyone was cold to the point of blue lips. At least I didn't get burned, much.

This also seems to be hunting week because my dear, bad cats have been bringing home a lot of gifts. Thanks guys....I suspect most of what George brings is just found sacrifices from the other two. I think it has just been a bad week in general because I have this nasty story about spoiled milk.

So usually we get milk delivered every other Monday morning. So we had to cancel the order for the week that we were in Wisconsin because we wouldn't be there to bring it in. Well, turns out we didn't cancel or something because this past Monday when we expected the delivery to be back on, I went out to check if we had new milk. But upon opening the cooler, I saw the most horrific thing I've seen in my entire life.

Five broken glass milk bottles, milk filled to the half point of the chest, and maggots. Thousands and thousands of them. Crawling on the top and sides and then just swarming in the spoiled milk. I stared for about four seconds, then the stench hit me, I slammed the lid, and ran retching into the house. Nastiest. Sight. Ever. That includes all the little organs left around by the cats. Those are plain disgusting, but this, this was beyond words.

I hope you enjoyed that tidbit. On a better note, it was Harry's birthday yesterday. I went to his party at the bookstore where they were having a big celebration. Lots of muggles of course, but it was good to see that the fandom lives on. Unfortunately I had to leave before they did anything but the trivia. There was a good fifty people there. Happy 34th Harry Potter, you're still going strong.

Brown Thumb

I feel like there are those who enjoy gardening and those who really don't. Personally, I'd much prefer to admire others gardens than plant one myself. Because I do like them. In fact I planted blueberries and strawberries and sugar snaps this year. Except by that I mean that I picked them out and my Head Gardener planted them for me. See, that's how I enjoy them. I also don't mind decorating them. Designing, plotting, and picking plants is my specialty, it's just when it comes to tending them that I have an issue. I like immediate results. Which is maybe why my favorite flower is a sunflower. They need hardly any tending, yet they grow inches every day and are enormously satisfying.

I also have a knack for watering. Every time I water it seems as if it did nothing at all, or I drowned them. Let's just say that my thumb is brown, and that no one should ask me to take care of their garden. Actually, I am doing a neighbor's lawn over the summer, and that includes their plants. I've been really scared of them all dying by the time they get back from vacation, but they seem to be doing okay. One section is mostly vegetables, or some other kinds of edible plants. I was given permission to harvest and eat them myself since no one else will be around but the problem is I don't know a thing about growing a beet or lettuce or anything! Most of it I wouldn't eat anyway, but one was labelled broccoli so I thought I'd take a look at it, and not knowing whether it was ripe or not, pulled the plant up. Hmmm... lesson number one, broccoli doesn't grow underground. I put it back. Hopefully nothing goes wrong if I let other things like the beets rot underground?

Have I enticed you yet to buy some delectable worm filled apples or squirrel munched pumpkins? How about brown petunias? I also have weeds aplenty. My plant business is called Whomping Willows. Special orders only. I do funeral arrangements, and just about any other occasion you can think of. Payments must be made up front. Interested? My website isn't functional, so you'll have to comment and I'm sure we can work something out.

In other news, I've been waiting for a flop post that needed extensions, and here it is. Kitty Korner is back:
About two weeks ago, I gave my cats baths. It was a lovely Sunday afternoon (or was it Saturday?) and they seemed to be begging for it. Lily was the only one inside at the time so, she had to go first. I think that, if possible, I have grown even more attached to her. I felt extremely bad! Like, I felt as if I were betraying her and almost couldn't do it. She was sitting in the windowsill just sunning and looking like the cutest little thing you ever saw and I don't know how to say it, but I just felt really, really bad! Anyhow, when I carried her to the bathtub and closed the door, she started howling. Poor baby. The entire time I apologized to her and she was so pitiful. She mewed so much I had to shut the window for fear people walking by would think I was torturing her. There was only one major escape attempt towards the window which ended in a bit of slashing at the soap. Fred sat outside the door mewing back and commiserating with Lily. Little did he know, he was next. I wrapped Lily up in a towel and stuck her in the backyard to dry.

Fred was much better. He was sad, but I didn't feel as bad because boy was he dirty! He also had a go at the soap and made his mark. I told him that he would look a lot more like a movie star if he let me wash him so he cooperated for the most part, considering he's probably four times stronger than his sister. I put him out near Lily, who was in the exact same spot as I'd left her and looking like a little fluff. George showed up right at that moment, not wanting to miss the fun I suppose. So into the tub he went. He was the worst noise- wise. For about five minutes he made no protest, not a single meow. I think he was in shock. Then he went crazy and didn't stop the rest of the time. I swear that they all lost their meows after that for a few days. George was especially hoarse. So a little scrub a dub dub and one more swipe at the soap for good measure and he was done. Into the back he went where he got his own sun spot near the other two, right where I left them. Those two were beginning to look a little more like cats instead of sheep but Lily was still licking herself.

Obviously it's been a while and now they might be just as dirty as they were before since they've caught a number of things I don't care to mention, but they are still so soft and much cleaner to the eye. Their fur had gotten so greasy over winter. I'm glad that chore is out of the way for the year. I would enlist help, but I don't think Lily would let anyone else come near her, she already thinks I'm out to punish her. Another job opportunity! Just let me know if your cat needs a bath.

Blue, Red, and White

We're going to take a break from the post I'd not yet planned and celebrate that it's the fourth of July, the day after America's true obtainment of independence. As tradition, I watched my town's parade, marched in the next town's parade, and then went to see the fireworks. It was nothing special. I got burned, ate a little too much candy, and couldn't go to the library, but it was fine. I did not however enjoy marching in the parade. I usually ride my unicycle, but I decided I didn't want a bunch of people watching me make a fool of myself this year, so I walked with a congress t-shirt on and felt awkward instead. I really don't like people staring, so why did I go advertise for thousands of people on someone I know little about? Not sure, but I don't like how by the simple act of wearing a shirt with someone's name on it, that it is an act by which you are judged and in many cases condemned.

No, there weren't many nasty comments that I heard, but I can tell from the way people would look and stare. Then there's the people who cheer, because they believe you are great for liking the same guy. Like I said, lots of judgement. It was very uncomfortable. So I don't really have any more on the subject. I do think it's interesting how, since it doesn't have any religious ties, this seems to be the one most attended event of the year. At the fireworks for example, I don't think I've ever seen an entire community gathered in one place for anything else. Because apparently people like to spend a lot of money to watch things go boom for thirty minutes and then go get drunk afterwards. We the people! Not trying to be anti anything, just pointing out the obvious. People are stupid. I watch them too.

By the way, if anyone is keeping up with the Quidditch World Cup, the countries in the finals are Brazil, Bulgaria, Japan, and USA. Personally, I'm rooting for Bulgaria. For you boring people who only watch soccer, I guess I'm rooting for Colombia. Whoo blue red and yellow! So there you are, my patriotic post without a point. Hope you enjoyed it.

The One On Books

Sorry about the delay, I seem to forget every week that the library closes at 5:00 instead of 9:00. This is when I wish that I had internet. Then again, I would never meet such interesting people unless I had to be at the library. For example there's this one guy that keeps falling asleep at his computer. As in, he has done it on more than one occasion. Then he'll suddenly wake up and start talking. Then there's these old people who haven't stopped complaining about how bad the service is. And another time there was this one strange looking guy who had his chair all the way down so that his head was beneath the monitor and level with the desk, so that he had to reach way up for the mouse....I could probably write an entire book on people. Don't know how interesting that would be though, even this paragraph can't have been too exciting, you really have to see them in person. I'm sure it will give me some interesting writing material for characters someday at any rate.

I'm trying to think of a subject...but I think I'm just going to give news updates. I was going to have an archery tournament to write about, but that didn't work out because it was cancelled *frowny sad face.* Also, exciting for me and definitely an answered prayer, I was on a waiting list for a writing elective I really want to take, but someone cancelled so now I'm in the class! That really made my day. The other elective I'm taking is illustration which I'm a bit nervous about because I'm not especially good with drawing, but I haven't taken an art class in forever and I think it would be so cool to be able to draw my own characters.

I've just decided that I can write about my summer reading. My goal on Goodreads for the entire year is to read 45 books. I have read 14 so far and it thinks I am 8 behind, so I am hoping to get pretty close by the end of summer because school doesn't leave much time for pleasure reading. I have done fairly well these last few weeks in catching up and plan to keep up the same rate. I have been keeping up with about 3 books at the same time, so I'm never bored. There is also about five that I started and really need to finish. Two of my current books are for two different book clubs I'm doing. One is Lord of The Rings, the other is John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life. I am enjoying both immensely in entirely different ways. Yesterday I finished listening to The False Prince by Jennifer A. Nielsen for the second time, it was just as good if not better since now I can read it knowing who the M.C. really is. I'd highly recommend it and can't wait to read the last one in the trilogy. If you don't feel like reading it, listen to it. The reader is perhaps the best male voice I have ever heard, Jim Dale being really hard to compare with. The other one, Don't Waste Your Life, has been fascinating from the two chapters I read and I can tell it will be view changing.

Other stories I'm looking forward to getting my hands on and checking off my very long to-read list are The Humming Room, Stupid Perfect World, The Ordinary Princess, Zel, Catch-22, and many more. There is a new book store nearby and I am very excited to get some of my new favorite books. There will also be a new writing book out by Gail Carson Levine in late November. I am so excited to see that. The cover art is great if you want to check it out on her blog or website.

All for now!

Potential Greatness

So I took Chemistry this year and one interesting thing I learned about was potential energy. As in everything has the potential to do something totally crazy like explode or burst into flames if only the reaction is set going. Well I've been told often that I have such potential in all sorts of things. That's not necessarily a good thing. That means that I have it, but I'm not using it. Now it's not that I think I am already there, but I struggle so much with gathering the will power and focus to make this reaction happen. To tell myself to practice hard every day to get better. There's also the fact that when you have so many options, how do you know what one to pick?

Because it's not like I adore practicing viola, in fact I might have liked dance more for the one year that I did it. But I had to consider other factors like scholarships, location, and accessibility. Almost every little girl does ballet when she's little, I don't know how many go on, but probably more than those who go into music, specifically viola. It would be crushing to study one thing all your life, be really good at it on a scale of kids in your state, but then realize that it's only the extraordinary that can go on in it. Pick something where you have a chance, not something so competitive that only 1 out of every 10 can be chosen for it. I don't mean to crush dreams, but sometimes reaching for the stars and hoping really hard for it isn't enough. Practise and commit from the beginning, find your C02 that starts the reaction, and follow it with all of your heart.

Alas, I didn't make it into Youth Symphony. I got the email a few days ago, and it was very misleading with the subject line saying Acceptance Letter, but upon opening it said welcome to Philharmonia. It was hugely disappointing. Even after he said that it was a good audition and seemed genuinely impressed, I guess I missed something. Goodbye EYSO. On the bright side I'll have more time for homework and less stress about learning music. I'm sure I'll have plenty to do without it and won't miss it come school. Thank you Lord!

This is why we need to do things for the Lord, not for men. If it's for others, it's going to disappoint. Others don't see the passion of the heart or the hours of practice behind auditions. You get one chance at it, and if it goes badly, they reject you, and you move on. Or in my case, even if it goes well you aren't given the chance for other reasons. Lesson is, don't waste you're potential because you can't decide what to do, even if no one else appreciates it.

Lots of other things happened this week as well. I cat-sat for all three of my music teachers, that was quite the experience. Except I think I may have forgotten to mention I started piano and she has a dog. She doesn't count though since I've only had two lessons. Anyways, I have really enjoyed that so far, scales and all.

Oh and as a sequel to my running post, my blisters are healed mostly, my last day of training was Wednesday, and I'm feeling pretty terrible about it. I've trained only for a few weeks and I feel totally unprepared. The 5k race is tomorrow on Saturday at 8:00. Last year my time was something like 24:17 and I won third place in my age category out of at least 25 people. So much pressure. I'll tell you how it went next Friday. Also to come, I'll be away at Blue Lake (not Green Lake, that was last week) for some music stuff so that might give me some tips to write about.

The long awaited verse of the week...
Colossians 3:23-24
23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Finishing...Almost

Hooray for me! I am no longer a wise moron. I've been done with school for a couple days now and it's been super great. It still feels a little unreal, but it's sinking in. I mean I'm still supposed to get through two and a half math courses this summer, but it can't be as bad as staying up every Monday night cramming in homework. Perhaps it will teach me better time management for next fall.

Anyhow, with school over, for all you jealous people still sitting in your boring classrooms, I am still super stressed. I have about four concerts coming up including a solo and this huge SAA conference where all the Suzuki teachers around America are going to come and scrutinize how bad my group is...Eek! So I'll be gone next weekend in case you had a sudden hope that I'd finally posted, don't look for it. Plus my neighbors are moving out and we'll have no internet so my schedule will become based once again on whether or not I can make it to the library.

Good luck with exams my friends, or whatever else you're doing, it's almost summer.

Sweet 16's and Victories

Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be officially sweet! I'm super excited because I have a lot of fun things planned. But besides that, I have some awesome news. The final decisions in court were written up and I was given the decision concerning my own education, meaning I can home-school again! Talk about answered prayers, this seemed like a complete miracle to me. It was totally unexpected. I guess I've been thinking about it for so long that I really never imagined anything could change. Thank you everyone for your prayers. I am truly grateful. All I could think about when I got the news was this quote by M.L.K. Jr. He says: “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last.”  A flood of relief seeped through me and it all felt so surreal. Though I have not yet switched out of public school, the knowledge that I can whenever I wish is giving me strength. A whole new world of opportunities has been opened. And it's not just a dream, it's for real; I have to keep telling myself that. I simply can not express my happiness. God really does answer our prayers.

Today I can not think what to write on any one specific topic. A lot of things will be changing for me, hopefully for the better, and I know I'll still be on rocky road but I believe that that's the life of a Christian. If everything was easy there would be no reason for trust. God calls us to have child-like faith. I just realised that I rather confused that statement by using both trust and faith consecutively which makes me wonder are they the same thing? According to the online dictionary, faith is "complete trust or confidence in someone or something" or the religious version, "strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof." While trust is defined as "firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." See they overlap in a way, because trust is used in the definition of faith. So they're similar, yet different. Faith I think is more something to have in Christ, whereas trust is something we achieve through faith. With all this court stuff, it's not the faith I need to work on, because I know God has a higher plan, it's the trust with the when, why, and how. 

Constantly I'll sit around praying when when when? It must be obnoxious how little trust I have. If after a week nothing has happened, I tend to give up, thinking oh well, it's never going to happen. The knowledge that God has a plan for me doesn't go beyond that sometimes. I mean that I don't always believe it in my heart that it's possible for him to accomplish things that seem far fetched to me, which is ridiculous because he is so much greater than us. The fact that the results of court came as a shock means I was expecting nothing good to come of it. Except God was in charge all along and rescued me, not just barely, but with victory and triumph. He was the ultimate judge, he gave the final ruling to set me free of father's stubbornness. After these five long and hard years, I have been answered. And not only that, but I have been so strengthened through my experiences that I am excited to see where I'll be going next. I need to stop asking when and just believe that all will be revealed at the proper time, however long it might take.

With my new-found freedom I hope to practice my instruments more, write more, read more, learn more, and I will strive to be encouraging to others. I might even audit a Greek class at the college, something I've wanted to do for years but never had the time before. I am so happy I had today off of school to sort thinks through and have a relaxing weekend. September birthdays are the best!

I have two verses for the week this time because I missed last Friday accidentally.
Philippians 4:13 
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Hebrew 11:1
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

Updates

Today I leave for two days to go on the fall kick-off retreat for Elgin Youth Symphony. So I was scrambling through some topics I've been wanting to post on when I realised, none of them are ready and I need more time to finish them. There is so much going on with school starting and everything that I just haven't had the time to get all my thoughts together. To begin with, I'm not sure how I will be keeping up with my blog but I'm going to try really hard because this is about the only things that has kept me writing lately and it's so helpful for me. No matter if it's a really short topic, I will write something.

Um let's see...blah! Summer is over and school started Wednesday. Wasn't great but it will be okay. Some teachers seem like they will be fun, none too terrible. In chemistry however, the girl on my right did nothing but complain. I'm serious-she said nothing positive. I won't nag but I was thinking boy, either you think people enjoy listening to you or you're just naturally very ungrateful. It was tiring to listen to. Then at lunch the only people I knew were all the popular kids and I wasn't about to invite myself with them so I sat with a little girl wearing a hijab. I thought she was alone but little by little the table filled. Her friend came and mostly everyone just spoke with the person next to them. I was miserable. Not lonely, just frustrated that I would be stuck there for a whole semester. That was probably the hardest part. How was your first day?

The good thing is that I had youth group that night and it was so fun =P. It's refreshing after a day of being around people who do nothing but complain about their lives and also to finally stop pretending to be someone I'm not. Well not as much anyways. All the leaders are great and the kids are nice too. You can't imagine how nice it is to be somewhere that you feel appreciated. My small group leaders from last year all left for various reasons and I will sorely miss them but it will be interesting to meet some new ones. I'm really looking forward to HYACKs this year!

When I get back there is something I'm dying to tell someone about! Just as a sneak peak, it's got to do with El Sistema. You probably don't know what that is but if you'd like to look it up there is a documentary on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43tqQhOTCgQ. I think I've finally found out what I want to do when I'm done with school! More on this later.

Sorry this is all over the place. It wasn't planned and revised as my other posts have been. Can you tell I was hurried? Anyway, lots of exciting news to come. When I get back I'll tell you how it went. Fingers crossed for first chair. =P

Stay strong my friends, be brave, and have faith!