A Poke at Politics

"The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy but cannot disjoin them."

-A Summary View of the Rights of British America (1774)

I came across this quote in the program of a concert I went to recently and I think it's brilliantly true. I know this is a subject that almost everyone goes off on debates about so I thought I'd put my one cent in. I've never been that interested in politics so I'm not going to pretend like I know much about them. I feel like I should be more involved than I am seeing as I have a brother in the army but the fact is I'm not. I just don't see the point of getting in heated arguments over how the government is run because that just divides us further. Anyway, that's just my own opinion.

What bothers me is why Christians also seem to think sometimes that humanity is at stake if this person isn't elected, or that law isn't passed, when the Bible clearly shows where we should put all our hope. Let's not forget who really gives life and liberty here. The hymn "My Hope is Built on Nothing Less" is based off of Matthew 7:24-27. It shows that our foundation should be Christ, solely. We can't have split loyalties. That shows a great deal of distrust that the Lord can and will save and instead puts faith in people who are very unreliable. You'd think we'd have learned this by now. On our own, we will never be able to create lasting harmony. We're flawed and that's that. There will always be people out there left unhappy unless we're united under the one true God.

If you remember, the last line of the pledge tries to connect the two. "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." It's a good goal to strive for, but one we haven't yet reached. Even if it wasn't written on a document, I rather thought that life and liberty were a given. I didn't need someone to give me these. Jefferson saw this when he named them unalienable rights. He recognizes that they can neither be given or taken except by God. Neither do I agree with us being called indivisible. As far as I'm concerned, we are far from that because if we're divided among ourselves, it will eventually split the nation. The closest we've been to working together would have been the Declaration of Independence because they were all working toward a common goal. I admire them so much for that. That a group of people so different could find a way to unite makes me wonder what in today's society has changed that. Now that we're free, we no longer have one thing in mind but a whole host of ideas that we want implemented. Now. I'll enforce my view with another wonderful quote, this one by J.K. Rowling. "We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided."

I also don't agree with the justice and liberty for all part. Having been involved in the court system for over five years I've learned a thing or two about what America calls justice and liberty and I can't imagine what other ways we're being misled. It was most definitely the Lord that rescued me from the court judgement because what happened was not typical. I'm not suggesting we all give America up as a lost cause but don't bet your whole life on it because some day, and that may not be far, it will fall. And if it's God's will, there is nothing we can do to stop it.

I was going to say that I found this verse completely by accident, but in another sense I think I must have been led to it on purpose.
2 Corinthians 10:3-4
We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

Keeping Kids Kornered

If you've ever been to a divorce evaluator (which I pray you never get the chance) or perhaps even a regular psychologist, more likely than not you've seen the picture of parents playing tug of war with their child.  I've seen it before and heard the term loads of times but just recently it struck me how ridiculous it is. It's supposed to illustrate how you need to avoid putting your kids in the middle of situations by working it out between the two you.

Good news! you don't need to worry about this because it's a complete myth. Children being caught in the middle is inevitable. By simply being alive we're in the middle. Traditionally, in family pictures the kids are in the middle. You don't just put the parents on one side and have the kids stand by themselves. Seriously, kids pretty much are the middle of their parents. Divorce isn't just between a father and a mother. If that was true, then it shouldn't affect the kids, right? That's not at all what happens. When one parent moves out if anything, it becomes the kid's responsibility more than ever. It's not the parents that travel to see their kids, the kids are the ones who travel between parents. When we see the evaluator the questions are all about being in the middle. Who would you rather live with? Tell us about mommy and daddy's faults etc. They're never that direct but that's what they mean. We're the middleman because we're honest.

I find it unusual that those who are against putting kids in the middle are the same ones promoting how you need to do whatever is best for the kids. It's odd to me because these seem like two conflicting viewpoints. It doesn't take months upon months to file a simple divorce saying you're no longer married. It only takes that long if you have kids which means that the divorce is now about the kids-- meaning they're in the middle. But if you're going to ignore what they say because you don't want them in the middle, then you're being selfish by doing whatever is best for you and your child could be a cat for all you care about their opinions. This encourages the idea that the children matter, just not what they think. You can't take the kids out of the middle and still say it's about them.

I suppose there are three directions in which we can be placed. Either to the side, in the middle, or split in half.  If you're shoved to the side that means you get no input because mum and da know what's best. That's why I prefer calling it cornering kids. If you're split in half you still have no say except this time some outside source like the courts controls the kids so neither parent can be more involved with the child. This is the most popular method today and it goes by the name of joint parenting. The middle is created simply by having two parents. If this is true then there most definitely is a middle and when it comes down to it, honestly it's where I prefer to be.

My mum was blamed endlessly for putting me in the middle but where else was there? Everything has a beginning, middle and end. It doesn't begin with the father and end with the mother. By no means. It includes so many people in between including first and foremost, your own children. If you're pretending otherwise, you're kidding yourself. If we're not in the middle, then who is? That would be like trying to to play tug of war with no middle. Each parent is holding one knot. The picture above is contradicting itself. By saying not to play tug of war you're asking the child to take sides. The reality is that you're trying to cut the child down the middle and give half to each parent. Each parent will have the benefit of having half of the child. That way there is no middle because you can evenly split it. That may satisfy parents, but it kills the kid.

And is that really what you want? By excluding me from decisions about where I live, where I go to school, and who I visit for my birthday and other huge aspects, it really hurt me. It's unforgivable and these affected me directly and therefore put me in the middle whether it was intended or not. Call it what you like, but it all amounts to the same thing. It all eventually circles round to me because everything you do sets off a whole string of reactions.

I was inspired to write this as I was looking through a list of divorce books getting angrier by the minute as I read titles like "Making It Easier On Your Child" and "Putting Children First." How can you do that when things aren't right between the two splitting up? Can they be trusted to do what is right for their children if they as adults did not do what was right? I heard a sad story about a violist from Julliard that dropped out and became a teacher instead because she'd developed tendinitis and could no longer play. She went on to teach her students to play in such a way that they developed beautiful tendinitis. It's tragic. She spread her own bad techniques into the lives of young, able kids.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is don't be ignorant. There are more methods than one to do something so take the time to understand someone before you go with the flow. Not everyone is the same which means you should try and think for yourself once in a while especially when it's a bigger issue like raising kids.
I'm late with the verse, as usual. I picked this because it shows how the greatest man ever to walk the earth, Jesus, our Lord and King, was kind to children and cared about them to pay attention and bless them.
Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

Counseling for Councelors

I have never been a fan of counseling. This is, in part, due to the fact that I started at such an early age where I saw no need for it because I thought I could deal on my own. I didn't need to complain or seek help from someone I barely knew. I've always been a rather private person, recent events have caused me to be even more so. Counseling was just about the last thing I needed.

It was with the best intentions that I was sent to my first shrink in 5th grade. It was near the beginning of the divorce which is the time when the kids are supposed to be feeling betrayed, depressed, and confused. So though I didn't need the help at the time, it was thought to be beneficial to have someone for me to talk to. Not so much the case. I dreaded it every week. The only reason I went at all was because I got out of school early once a week. It probably did not help that I already had a bad view of it from the appointments with the evaluator from the divorce. Awkward, boring, and full of prying questions, our sessions were not at all helpful unless you count giving me a good topic to write about. At first I tried hard. I really did. I wanted to convince them that I truly understood everything that was going on and I could make decisions for myself. Except everything came out wrong. When trying to express the lonely feeling of sitting in my room, literally staring at a wall, trying to block out my thoughts because they hurt too much. Sitting there doing nothing because I'd been confined to the house because I wouldn't spend time with father. It would come out something like this:
"He doesn't let me do anything."
Feeble, right? That could mean anything. I sounded like a spoiled brat. I simply didn't have the capacity to express feelings that should be beyond an 11 year old. My best chance was when he'd paraphrase what I was trying to say, then asking if it was correct. I'd nod vigorously wishing I could have thought to say it like that. In this way he got the raw facts laid out such as I liked homeschooling and I didn't like father. It grazed the surface of my situation yet never came close to the full truth.

There's a joke in some movie that all you have to do to be a counselor is listen, say mhmm, and ask "how do you feel about that?" It's so true! Except if they have someone like me who won't talk--that makes them work. The first shrink was a young lady in her twenties, maybe right out of college. I was just about the worst starting project she could ever have had and I feel pretty bad about it. I refused to talk most of the time and if I did it would be with one word answers. I could be the most disagreeable, closed child when I wanted to be. She put in a valiant effort. She asked if I knew why I was there and I told her no. She asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I said no. Because I wouldn't talk about myself, she decided I needed help expressing my feelings. She printed out some pictures of cartoon faces showing different emotions. At the beginning of each session she'd have me point to three pictures I was feeling. I'd avoid these too by picking the ones that didn't really describe inner emotions such as sleepy, bored, and satisfied. I'd drag it out as long as I could, pretending to contemplate. I gave her nothing to work with. She'd ask why I was bored and I'd say I didn't want to be there.

I remember one particular session after I'd been going for a few weeks I could tell she was running out of ideas and getting frustrated so she asked me what I wanted to do. I don't remember my response but I must have said nothing because that's exactly what we did. We sat there for the entire hour which felt like years. But that's the other thing. I can't say with certainty that it was really that long because it could have been only half an hour but in my mind it stretched for hours. I could feel myself shutting down after just a few minutes until all I was focused on was avoiding questions, providing answers only when I had to, anything to stop her prying.

Eventually she gave up on me and gave me a craft to do while trying her best to keep up a one way conversation. The last two weeks she gave up entirely and we watched a movie. Poor lady, I hope I didn't ruin her career. I didn't mean to cause her grief, I most truly did not. I never enjoyed testing her, it was more of a defense mechanism. I came to despise that waiting room which if I remember correctly was all cheerful and bright which was the opposite of what I was feeling. It was small and stuffy and as I sat I would get all stiff and my breathing came in short, fast puffs. Ironically, it seemed that the sessions caused exactly that which we were trying to prevent.

After that I wasn't sent to any specifically to help me but as an obligation from the courts to force me to improve my relationship with father. It was always the same though. They all thought that I had issues because apparently every child of divorce, as someone on Moody radio put it, is damaged goods. If I hadn't recently been to another shrink I would blame my memories all on childish exaggeration but it wasn't. It causes the same anxiety every time. It is physically impossible for me to express what I mean. It starts in the waiting room with my heart pounding, sweaty, freezing palms, and shortened breathing, there's simply no way I can think clearly. But just when the best thing I could do for myself is to go sprinting away to burn some energy, instead when the door opens I walk through it into the office where I feel even more caged. Make yourself comfortable they say. Of course that means sit on the couch. So you sit, thinking you'd be so much more comfortable anywhere else, but you're stuck and what's there to do but wait 'til it's over? And I forgot to mention how everything you do is judged from the moment you walk through the door. From where you sit, to how you sit, everything is interpreted as a sign of your mental state etc. It's enough to drive anyone mad. Then I'd sit there facing memories, trying to think how to word them, and failing. Anything I did try to say always ended up backfiring. Afterwards I could barely keep myself from running outside. As soon as I was out the door I'd feel so relieved and I'd run for minutes until I felt normal again.

It was obvious to me that if I were ever to tell anyone what I truly thought of everything it would have to be on my own time and in my own way. My first and last attempt was in middle school English class. It was the beginning of the year and the teacher assigned a paper to be finished by the end of class called If You Really Knew Me. She said she'd be referring to it all year to try and understand us and our papers better. Normally I would make up some stuff and not really put any of me into a paper like this but the opportunity to be seen for who I am was too good to miss. So I tried, and failed miserably. I ran out of time and all I succeeded in doing was earning her pity, thinking I was a poor little kid with a wonderful father. I hated myself for it all year and vowed not to try anything like it again for fear of misunderstanding.

I'm sorry for all the superfluous detail but I cannot begin to describe the impact it's made on me. I bet by describing all this it makes me seem ill when this whole time I was trying to say I don't need a counselor and never did. But honestly, it was painful. It was so memorable that in eighth grade we were assigned to write a survival story. So I wrote one called Surviving Counseling. It's kind of a humorous take on everything I went through but it was so easy to write and really fun. I got 100% on it.

This is just to say that my experience with it has been a terrible one and that there have been people far more helpful to me than any with a degree in interpreting human feelings. It a very iffy art in my opinion and not a useful one. You don't need to be a professional to tell if someone's happy or sad and that's pretty much all that's necessary to have a surface level relationship which is all father ever wanted so why we need to go to counseling again? I don't know.

A counselor is one who gives advice or wisdom. I'd say the only thing qualified counselors are good for is perhaps giving official names to ways you are feeling which make even the least of problems seem dire. Here are three things more helpful than a shrink:
1. godly people--Psalm 37:30
The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong.
2. (godly) friends--Proverbs 27:9
The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.
3. Proverbs (where better to find advice than the Bible itself? Proverbs is full of it!)--Proverbs 1:2-3
2 Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise.
3 Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives, to help them do what is right, just, and fair.

Losing in Victory

You may be thinking to yourself--Melissa, this seems very contradictory, no one likes losing--and you'd be absolutely right. It's a fact. No one says yippee I lost! Or, I am so excited to lose today! It's just not how we think. So what can we do when it hits us hard and you're just not feeling it anymore? Do you give up and call it a lost cause? Perhaps, but life goes on. You've got to cope with it somehow at some point.

In a way, I lost. I let five years of my life go by without doing anything to help myself except that which I was forced to do. I used to dream about changing the court system, writing a letter, and starting some sort of revolution. I child's wish. No one listens to children, teens or not. The desire I believe was not wrong but I wasn't the one destined to carry it out. Being noticed is not one of my strong points so I never would have been successful on my own. Instead I chose defiant obedience, something that didn't require another's help. While I did agree to go to public school and to bear the pain, I put up a fight. But at the end of the day it's not about winning, it's learning.

I could call myself a failure and be all depressed but at the same time, I've gained more than I lost. I won't be able to go back and make up for the last several years but it was completely worth it. My entire mind and spirit have been transformed in a way that had it not been for all the turmoil, might not have ever happened. God gives us just the perfect tools to handle whatever situation we're in. What I desired for most was eloquent speech. I pictured myself standing before the judge demanding acceptance of my own terms. But God had another plan--something that wouldn't give glory to me but to him. It wasn't my place to try and change things. I've been taught so many other valuable lessons for which I am endlessly grateful. In the end I even got my wish. Whether I will regret it, I cannot tell.

It's all finished today for me. I chose to do it silently, simply turned my books in to the library. Monday I'll just be gone and no one will be any the wiser, might not even notice. The only ones who know I won't be back at school are about five kids in my English class and the teacher. They made me feel good, reprimanding me for not announcing it earlier or they would have thrown a goodbye party. Likely no one would care anyway but it was nice. I was merely a passing shadow to most, a good lab partner at best.

No more waking before it's light out, unless it pleases me to do so. I can't help but feel a little sentimental. I'll be leaving behind a boring, yet predictable life knowing whatever is ahead will challenge me in nearly every way. Who knows where I'll end up. It's more exciting than sad though. The good outweighs the bad. It's mostly the few people I will no longer see every day, wave to in the hall, be encouraged by. It seems we always miss things more when we know they will no longer be available, no matter how much we abhorred it before. We'll see. It's not like I'm alone...just because I'm on a path I chose doesn't mean God is leaving me. No doubt I'll be leaning on him even more.

The point where I realised that it was more than winning was necessary. If not for my fear of actually carrying out some of my drastic daydreams, I might have come out being alive and successful, but with no lasting gain. The part that truly matters is what comes from the heart. I had to be humbled to the point that I knew there was nothing I could do in my power to change the judges or father's mindset. I had to lose in order to gain victory. Sounds ironic, but it's true. It's the same with Jesus who had do die in order to save us. So then through his Resurrection, we might have life. Victory comes through failure.

Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.