Keeping Kids Kornered

If you've ever been to a divorce evaluator (which I pray you never get the chance) or perhaps even a regular psychologist, more likely than not you've seen the picture of parents playing tug of war with their child.  I've seen it before and heard the term loads of times but just recently it struck me how ridiculous it is. It's supposed to illustrate how you need to avoid putting your kids in the middle of situations by working it out between the two you.

Good news! you don't need to worry about this because it's a complete myth. Children being caught in the middle is inevitable. By simply being alive we're in the middle. Traditionally, in family pictures the kids are in the middle. You don't just put the parents on one side and have the kids stand by themselves. Seriously, kids pretty much are the middle of their parents. Divorce isn't just between a father and a mother. If that was true, then it shouldn't affect the kids, right? That's not at all what happens. When one parent moves out if anything, it becomes the kid's responsibility more than ever. It's not the parents that travel to see their kids, the kids are the ones who travel between parents. When we see the evaluator the questions are all about being in the middle. Who would you rather live with? Tell us about mommy and daddy's faults etc. They're never that direct but that's what they mean. We're the middleman because we're honest.

I find it unusual that those who are against putting kids in the middle are the same ones promoting how you need to do whatever is best for the kids. It's odd to me because these seem like two conflicting viewpoints. It doesn't take months upon months to file a simple divorce saying you're no longer married. It only takes that long if you have kids which means that the divorce is now about the kids-- meaning they're in the middle. But if you're going to ignore what they say because you don't want them in the middle, then you're being selfish by doing whatever is best for you and your child could be a cat for all you care about their opinions. This encourages the idea that the children matter, just not what they think. You can't take the kids out of the middle and still say it's about them.

I suppose there are three directions in which we can be placed. Either to the side, in the middle, or split in half.  If you're shoved to the side that means you get no input because mum and da know what's best. That's why I prefer calling it cornering kids. If you're split in half you still have no say except this time some outside source like the courts controls the kids so neither parent can be more involved with the child. This is the most popular method today and it goes by the name of joint parenting. The middle is created simply by having two parents. If this is true then there most definitely is a middle and when it comes down to it, honestly it's where I prefer to be.

My mum was blamed endlessly for putting me in the middle but where else was there? Everything has a beginning, middle and end. It doesn't begin with the father and end with the mother. By no means. It includes so many people in between including first and foremost, your own children. If you're pretending otherwise, you're kidding yourself. If we're not in the middle, then who is? That would be like trying to to play tug of war with no middle. Each parent is holding one knot. The picture above is contradicting itself. By saying not to play tug of war you're asking the child to take sides. The reality is that you're trying to cut the child down the middle and give half to each parent. Each parent will have the benefit of having half of the child. That way there is no middle because you can evenly split it. That may satisfy parents, but it kills the kid.

And is that really what you want? By excluding me from decisions about where I live, where I go to school, and who I visit for my birthday and other huge aspects, it really hurt me. It's unforgivable and these affected me directly and therefore put me in the middle whether it was intended or not. Call it what you like, but it all amounts to the same thing. It all eventually circles round to me because everything you do sets off a whole string of reactions.

I was inspired to write this as I was looking through a list of divorce books getting angrier by the minute as I read titles like "Making It Easier On Your Child" and "Putting Children First." How can you do that when things aren't right between the two splitting up? Can they be trusted to do what is right for their children if they as adults did not do what was right? I heard a sad story about a violist from Julliard that dropped out and became a teacher instead because she'd developed tendinitis and could no longer play. She went on to teach her students to play in such a way that they developed beautiful tendinitis. It's tragic. She spread her own bad techniques into the lives of young, able kids.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is don't be ignorant. There are more methods than one to do something so take the time to understand someone before you go with the flow. Not everyone is the same which means you should try and think for yourself once in a while especially when it's a bigger issue like raising kids.
I'm late with the verse, as usual. I picked this because it shows how the greatest man ever to walk the earth, Jesus, our Lord and King, was kind to children and cared about them to pay attention and bless them.
Matthew 19:14
But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."