You may be thinking to yourself--Melissa, this seems very contradictory, no one likes losing--and you'd be absolutely right. It's a fact. No one says yippee I lost! Or, I am so excited to lose today! It's just not how we think. So what can we do when it hits us hard and you're just not feeling it anymore? Do you give up and call it a lost cause? Perhaps, but life goes on. You've got to cope with it somehow at some point.
In a way, I lost. I let five years of my life go by without doing anything to help myself except that which I was forced to do. I used to dream about changing the court system, writing a letter, and starting some sort of revolution. I child's wish. No one listens to children, teens or not. The desire I believe was not wrong but I wasn't the one destined to carry it out. Being noticed is not one of my strong points so I never would have been successful on my own. Instead I chose defiant obedience, something that didn't require another's help. While I did agree to go to public school and to bear the pain, I put up a fight. But at the end of the day it's not about winning, it's learning.
I could call myself a failure and be all depressed but at the same time, I've gained more than I lost. I won't be able to go back and make up for the last several years but it was completely worth it. My entire mind and spirit have been transformed in a way that had it not been for all the turmoil, might not have ever happened. God gives us just the perfect tools to handle whatever situation we're in. What I desired for most was eloquent speech. I pictured myself standing before the judge demanding acceptance of my own terms. But God had another plan--something that wouldn't give glory to me but to him. It wasn't my place to try and change things. I've been taught so many other valuable lessons for which I am endlessly grateful. In the end I even got my wish. Whether I will regret it, I cannot tell.
It's all finished today for me. I chose to do it silently, simply turned my books in to the library. Monday I'll just be gone and no one will be any the wiser, might not even notice. The only ones who know I won't be back at school are about five kids in my English class and the teacher. They made me feel good, reprimanding me for not announcing it earlier or they would have thrown a goodbye party. Likely no one would care anyway but it was nice. I was merely a passing shadow to most, a good lab partner at best.
No more waking before it's light out, unless it pleases me to do so. I can't help but feel a little sentimental. I'll be leaving behind a boring, yet predictable life knowing whatever is ahead will challenge me in nearly every way. Who knows where I'll end up. It's more exciting than sad though. The good outweighs the bad. It's mostly the few people I will no longer see every day, wave to in the hall, be encouraged by. It seems we always miss things more when we know they will no longer be available, no matter how much we abhorred it before. We'll see. It's not like I'm alone...just because I'm on a path I chose doesn't mean God is leaving me. No doubt I'll be leaning on him even more.
The point where I realised that it was more than winning was necessary. If not for my fear of actually carrying out some of my drastic daydreams, I might have come out being alive and successful, but with no lasting gain. The part that truly matters is what comes from the heart. I had to be humbled to the point that I knew there was nothing I could do in my power to change the judges or father's mindset. I had to lose in order to gain victory. Sounds ironic, but it's true. It's the same with Jesus who had do die in order to save us. So then through his Resurrection, we might have life. Victory comes through failure.
Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)
You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.
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